I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just gift wrapped bread.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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