I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
