My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
