I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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