Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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