I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
where are my eyebrows?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
