Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
