Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
