Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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