I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
