If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
