Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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