My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
