Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
high people should be assigned attendants
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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