I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize