totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize