I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
