you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize