i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He has the fingertips of a God
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