he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
pop tarts are not kleenex
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
