i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
