Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am one with the molecules
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
