I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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