i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's the barista slut.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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