i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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