I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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