At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
