I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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