Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
