put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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