Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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