Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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