I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
