Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
