We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
3 2 1 whiskey
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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