I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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