I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
