New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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