Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
