I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I need to stop coming to work sober
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize