so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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