just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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