Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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