Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
