he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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