Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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