I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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