I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
