I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
