I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
