i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
