I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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