You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
