Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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