I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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