i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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