I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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