I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
