Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
