She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
