Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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