I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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