i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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