he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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