textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
