I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
