i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
