Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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