my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Sober January is a disaster.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
