i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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